 |
| The One True Koopa King™ That Will Always Reign Supreme Image (c) Kirby Fandom |
THAT "FEATURES"
 |
| It's-A Me, Mario The Plumber! Wahoo! I'm-a die from cringe, thank you! Image (c) Deadline.com and macroed by yours truly Font Generator is Font Meme |
🎃🦇 |
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢀⣤⡶⠶⠛⠛⠛⠛⠻⠶⢶⣤⣀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣠⡾⠋⠁⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠈⠙⠳⣦⡀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
⠀⠀⠀⠀⢀⡾⠋⢠⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣠⠄⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠈⠻⣦⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
⠀⠀⠀⢠⡿⠁⠀⣸⡦⠾⢦⣤⡴⠛⠁⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠘⣧⠀⠀⠀⠀
⣾⠛⠳⣾⠁⠀⠀⠿⠃⠀⢸⡾⠁⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠸⣇⠀⠀⠀
⢻⡀⢸⡇⠀⡆⠀⠀⠀⠀⣀⣤⠴⢶⡆⠀⠀⠀⢀⣤⠖⠛⠉⠉⡷⠀⢿⡀⠀⠀
⠈⢷⣼⠃⠀⣿⠒⣶⢻⡏⣿⡀⠀⣿⡇⠀⠀⠀⠋⠀⠀⠀⢀⡼⠃⠀⢸⡇⠀⠀
⠀⠈⣿⠀⠀⢹⡀⣿⣾⠿⠛⢷⣸⢣⡇⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢀⣴⠟⠁⠀⠀⢸⡇⠀⠀
⠀⠀⢹⡆⠀⢸⣿⣿⠁⠀⠀⠀⠁⢸⠇⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢸⡇⠀⠀
⠀⠀⠸⣇⠀⠈⢿⡇⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⡿⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠸⠓⠒⣶
⠀⠀⠀⢻⡄⠀⠘⣧⠀⠀⠀⠀⣸⠃⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢀⣴⠋
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠻⣆⠀⠈⠳⢦⣤⠾⠁⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢀⣠⡴⠛⠀⠀
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠈⠳⣤⡀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢀⣀⣤⠶⠛⠁⠀⠀⠀⠀
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠙⠻⠶⢦⣤⣤⣤⣤⣤⡴⠶⠛⠋⠁⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
CHRIS PRATT: THE CANCER KILLING MARIO
I am starting off with the problem that I see with Mario, Chris Pratt. Personally, I am NOT too thrilled with this choice of cast. Doesn't sound like Mario at all; his normal speaking voice sounds more like Mario of the LEGO Movie (that is slowly dying since a select few group of people actually give a damn about LEGO), or S-O-N-I-C. I have a problem with this (not the only person that has this problem with the voice). You know you have a problem when you feel that Aura of Disappointment™, and you know that you are entering the VERY SCARY side of things with this movie. Of course, Luigi is spared from the cringiness of Chris Pratt (thank GOD).
You don't have to sound like FUCKING SONIC THE HEDGEHOG™ for your CGI-Based PROTAGONIST.
Okay, folks; a raise-of-hand if you think that Chris Pratt should be a good candidate for MOVIE SONIC (if Ben Schwartz didn't get the role). Yeah, thought so; anyone with a 70% brain matter (or higher) can see this happening. I can finally say after a period of 37+ years that Mario The Plumber is FINALLY DYING (at least in The United States, regional differences may vary)! It is all thanks to bad decisions like this. It has a known something called a First Impression®. If you don't meet this First Impression®, consider that character to BE DEAD. #FIRSTIMPRESSIONSAREEVERYTHING
 |
| Mario is now in a hospital, forever dying. Image is from Pinterest |
To make matters worse, here is Mario's movie voice (UGH!):
Thank you, whomever is in charge of casting for Chris Pratt to be the role of Mario. You truly are why Mario is dying.
 |
| I had to go through all the trouble of making another macro for you guys. 😃 |
Remember good boys, girls, Koopas (all variations: Hammer Bros/Sis, Boomerang Bros/Sis, Fire Bros/Sis, Ice Bros/Sis, Lakitus, Paratroopas, etc.), Toads, Yoshies (male and female--this does NOT mean Cathy), Shy Guys (or Shy Gals), Bomb-ombs, Goombas (don't turn into one), Boos, Cathy, and every creature in between: Choosing Chris Pratt as the leading role of Mario will spell Game Over for good on Mario as a character. The impression that people will remember Mario as one year from now (at least here in The United States--pain and suffering is eternal, I swear 😰): Hammer Bro 1: "Hey broski, do you remember how well Mario did in the Super BOWSER Movie?" Hammer Bro 2: "It was a TOTAL LETDOWN. If they would've got someone better to do the ROLE AS MARIO, MARIO could've lived on as a character OVERALL instead of being dead here." Hammer Bro 1: "Yeah, I feel you broski." Hammer Bro 2: "Yeah, I couldn't agree MORE." *brofist ensues*
To close off this section for good, I am stating that Chris Pratt is fine as an actor. He is NOT suited for the Mario Role. If this STILL remains, expect Mario to be ON LIFE SUPPORT. You wouldn't want an GAMING ICON/GAMING LEGEND like Mario to be on LIFE SUPPORT, would you? You wouldn't want Mario to be forever Rested in Spaghetti, would you? What dreadful people you really are to wish for such a thing! Perhaps Chris Pratt can be one of the Paratroopas (or Lakitu maybe).
Give Mario to the Man Who Voiced Mario!Image is (c) to Game Crater
----------------END OF MARIO SECTION -----------------------------
JACK BLACK, THE MAN WHO SHALL BE KING BOWSER KOOPA I
The Koopaness section shall begin here. Normally, I should have called him King Koopaness of Surliness that is of the First--this has been reduced to King Bowser Koopa I, or King Bowser, as Mario calls him. It turns out that His Koopaness is older than Mario himself, who knew? Most importantly, I believe that Jack Black's overall first impression solidifies himself as his Koopaness.
Don't believe me? Here is Jack Black as King Bowser:
Who's gonna stop him?
King Bowser Koopa I seals the spotlight from Movie Mario (if you want to call him that). I don't understand why CGI Character Protagonists have to follow the Sonic Voice Rule™. The rule states as follows: "As long as there shall be a CGI Protagonist in a popular video game-to-movie adaptation, the protagonist shall sound like Sonic The Hedgehog™". Thankfully, his Koopaness was spared from this rule. He just rules period, see below for the Bowser Guitar:
 |
| Image (c) to scilk on DevianTARD |
Lastly, I will say that if this doesn't convince you that the movie shall be renamed to THE SUPER BOWSER MOVIE™, then I am sure that Demeech on Youtube will also convince you that it shall be renamed so. It may seem like I am stealing his idea/thunder, but I want to put my own two cents in the jar. Thus, it is more of an inspiration than anything. Here is the meme review (semi-gerrymandering, but it is NOT WRONG):
That should do it for this article. I apologize for the late Halloween article 😔. Would've got this done sooner, but I was sick from eating 🍍. On top of that, I had College Algebra to go through (which is worth it from me). Hopefully, I will take Geometry before I graduate. Thank you so much for reading this! Recast Chris Pratt
